5 years ago today Kristy Godden left this world, it was a moment that although I held hope wouldn't happen, was expected but that doesn't change the impact that the knowledge she had gone had on me.
Kristy and I worked together for 4 years, we shared the same birthday, we sat side by side for the majority of those years or were never more that 5 steps away from each other - always in yelling distance. We ate morning tea & lunch together most of those days. We took up Hip Hop and Jazz dancing together (Kristy won a trophy that she would point out to passers by proved that she was a better dancer than me), and we shared some deep discussions, shallow discussions and had some of the happiest times and biggest belly laughs I can ever remember. Kristy was someone that made me laugh she had a quirky sense of humour, was intelligent and I enjoyed spending time with her and in those 4 years I spent a lot of time with her.
The difficulty in losing a work colleague is that there is no escape - when I lost my grandfathers in the two years that followed - I could use work as my escape from the sadness but when we lost Kristy work just wasn't the same, I couldn't think or concentrate and I just struggled to function without the hope that she would return to the desk next to me and bring that sunshine personality to brighten up my day.
5 years on and I still think of Kristy most days the impact that her death had on me was second to none and I am thankful for all that it taught me but it's guilt I want to let go of and find the hardest to let go of it. I live with guilt that I didn't visit her more when she was sick, I know she had her family and didn't need me but I feel that I should have been there more and should have given her more. I visited her in hospital in her final week and it was amazing we chatted for hours laughed and talked like nothing was wrong but even that upon reflection I feel guilty about - I wanted to pretend that she was ok, I didn't want to face the fact that she was so very sick and dying. It was an amazing last memory and I don't want to tarnish it but I can't even remember asking her if she was ok with what was happening. I tell myself that she didn't want to talk about it and she wanted me to pretend that everything was ok and that is what we both needed that visit to be a moment of us laughing and chatting just like we always did but THIS is why I have guilt. I should have been there more or offered or asked what she needed from me did she want to bitch about why this had happened to her, did she want to vent about her partner and her mum and if they were driving her nuts, did she want to watch rom com's OR me to have a dance battle with her? I have guilt that in those last 6 months I was not the friend I should have been or a friend that justifies the impact that she provided in my life.
The other part of guilt I feel is that I have now have the things we had both always talked and dreamed of. I am married, I have a dog, I have a house, I have a beautiful daughter, I have the job and I have my health. Why did I get all of these things? Why can't I tell her about them? Why did she have to be the one that missed out on them? What did I do right and what did she do wrong? Why at 27 did she get all of her hopes and dreams taken from her? For a logical rational mind like mine I keep battling with all of these questions and living with the guilt that I am still here and she is not and I don't understand WHY.