O N E

I remember the feeling a year ago, I was so nervous. I was nervous about what the impending arrival would do to our family dynamics, I was worried about the birth, I was worried how I was going to handle two children, I was worried about Joselyn, having a year off work and how I was going to find time for my husband and myself.

I love this feeling of reflection... Why was I so worried, why was I so anxious? 

Henry is one tomorrow, and while the transition has had its twists and turns the good has by far out weighed the bad.  We have this cheeky, cuddly, curious, comedian who makes our family feel complete.

I am trying to work on my worry, everything will be okay just let it fall into place naturally!

Happy Birthday Henry, well done family we did it! 

I pick you!

Today we had a third Tuesday of the month play date. It's a monthly thing we go to the local shopping center & they have a show & activities for the kids. We were killing time waiting for the show to start & the other mummies went to gather tea to help us survive the next few hours so I was in charge. I had three almost 4 year old girls and two 1 year old boys. The boys were banging on a wall & I suggested to the girls we play duck, duck, goose. They all wanted to go first, I decided to be fair I should go first. I walked around the circle saying duck several times & maybe that was the issue but I thought it wouldn't be fair to pick Joselyn so I picked one of the other girls. Then the other girl picked the other girl & then Joselyn was picked last. 

Now it's really not a huge issue but Sitting here on reflection of my day, I'm overcome with emotion as I think about J's little face when I didn't pick her. I should have picked her & I know that in the grand scheme of things it does not matter but it totally does in a almost 4 year olds mind.

I should always pick her, I do always pick her. It's okay to show the world she is my favorite because quite simply she is! I hope next time I remember that!

M x

Today's thought

What was it that I wanted to be? What were my hopes and dreams?

I remember a school teacher phase, I remember a dance teacher phase, I remember a famous actor on stage or screen phase but among all of these dreams I was always going to be a mum, so am I there? 

M x

Logie Thoughts

I was taught by my mother to never argue about religion, politics or sex... So writing this gives me a little anxiety in fear of an argument but if I don't get my thoughts out I might just explode!

The TV week logies were on last night. I've spent the morning watching speeches, reading speeches and reviewing social media comments & debates.  3 things Have come from last nights awards Waleed Aly's Gold logie win, Noni Hazlehurst's induction into the hall of fame & Julia Morris' fall, cursing on live TV & "I need a hero" redo.  Julia is really a comical non event but the other two have sparked debate in my mind and it seems on social media.

I watched Waleed Aly's speech before I'd read anything, I had tears in my eyes and it was because of three thoughts. 

1. What a lovely multicultural list of nominees, if this was accidental how beautiful but the pessimist in me questioned was that created purposely after the oscars drama... Really why has it taken Lee Lin Chin so many years to be finally nominated

2. I'm so proud that Australia has voted for this man, he's a really strong multicultural, educated influence on Australian media. 

3. I hate that people live in fear because of their religious beliefs, but how very brave of them.

Then I saw this

I felt like standing & applauding here here but then I saw this

And once again I had tears, I kept reading it over and over trying to find words that would show Irfan that Constance was not alone, that I too believed that Waleed's win was historical, symbolic & important in Australia's acceptance of diversity. Thankfully someone wrote this 

And I commented I agree, but then I continued to read the comments & I read things like "I don't like Waleed, so therefore I'm racist", " what does his religious beliefs have to do with his award" and "I don't like or respect him but it has nothing to do with his religious beliefs, I find him condescending & rude" and it took my thoughts to another place. Was he nominated because of his religious beliefs, should they even matter, he is strong in his beliefs and would he have been nominated otherwise? I dont watch the project but have seen a few clips & at times found him almost condescending, I just resolved it that it was due to his audience.  I was not sure if I supported Waleed's win for the right reasons especially after I watched Noni.

Noni Hazlehurst's speech on her induction into the hall of fame and I think she sums up the "...ism" debate perfectly for me. She sums up for me what I sometimes worry I'm being naive in thinking, why can't we look at the world the same way as a preschooler? Why can we not see inspirational, feel good stories rather than pessimistic & negative views. Why does our religious beliefs, race or even gender matter? How can we keep the bigoted views away from our kids?  And finally how is she only the second women to be induducted into the hall of fame? 

“I started to see a world through the preschoolers eyes to see how free and unafraid they are to just be,” she said. “They haven’t yet been conditioned. No child is born a bigot.”

Hazlehurst lamented a changing TV landscape, and the explosion of technology, made it hard to escape exposure to bad news and violent images — and she fears ‘our hearts are growing cold.”

“The fact that I’m only the second woman to be given this honour is merely a reflection of the prevailing guard — as is the suggestion from some quarters that the eligibility of esteemed colleagues Waleed Aly and Lee Lin Chin going for gold is questionable,” she said.

But, she said, things are changing — albeit slowly.

“The great thing about glaciers is if you’re not on them you go under. I’ve been riding that glacier for 40 years. And I’m staying on top of it.”

“I look forward to the day where it’s not an issue whether a man or a woman, or an Asian person or a Muslim gets anything in this country.

“We share more similarities than differences and I think I’m really keen to promote that idea because I think any other idea is divisive and potentially disastrous.”

So while I'm excited for this move forward of Australia we do have a long way to go and my parenting style and beliefs are not so naive. One day we will as John Lennon put it "live as one"

M x

Every little thing is going to be alright...

"Don't worry about a thing, cause every little is gonna be alright" Bob Marley was a wise man! 

Today I had one of those moments when i was in the shower, it was a moment that I wish I could hold on to... All my anxieties about my career, the house, the kids just washed away & I thought about how easily everything could just fall into place!! 

The kids will be in school in 5 years and I can work part time until then & then become whatever I want to be, I'll only be 36. I can go back to work and we can get a pool next year and then then extend the mortgage and do the renovations little by little - it will happen and it will fall into place, no hurry!!!

M x

Lest We Forget

I find ANZAC Day a very emotional day. I try to get the most of the day & enjoy the freedom that so many lost their lives for us to have the right to.

I think a lot about Gallipoli and all of those men or boys rather being sent to their deaths. 

I have a tradition of making ANZAC Biscuits and as silly as it may seem I find this a symbolic gesture of my thanks. I've been trying to include Joselyn in this gesture and am hoping that it ends up being something we do for years to come.

One day I'd like to get up and go to dawn service at Currumbin- it's supposed to be a magical service but at the moment I take all the sleep I can get! Maybe next year!!

Today I'm thankful, thankful for the troops who protect us. Thankful for the life I get to give my kids and thankful for this country I get to call home!  I pray for peace and that humans can live in harmony accepting of all beliefs.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning we will remember them. Lest we forget.

M x

Habits

When we got our new car the blinkers were on the left side of the steering wheel rather than the right- I've always driven cars with blinkers on the right. So it didn't surprise me that when I got my new car driving it had me constantly turning on the wipers as I turned corners or exited the roundabout. It wasn't until a week after I got my new car I drove the old car and I realised how easily habits can be changed, and I was amazed at how quickly I'd changed a 15 year driving habit in a single week!

It takes 21 days to make or break a habit, I've had this drummed into me since my first job & i've used this philosophy a lot over the years with water intake, exercise & sleeping habits.

I know all this and yet I'm struggling to make some new habits that I think would help me with some structure in mummyland.

I want to exercise for 1/2 an hour each day, 

I want to meditate or do yoga everyday.

I want to meal plan every Wednesday & create a shopping list based on this plan.

I want to cook meals every night and snacks during the day like protein balls & cookies.

I want to drink more water.

I want to wash towels on Fridays & sheets on Wednesdays.

I want to clean floors on Wednesday & bathrooms on Monday.

I want to make healthy habits that I can be proud of but I guess I've just got to take it one day at a time.

M x

Have a little Faith

Sunday was Henry's Baptism. 

When questioned by a Neighbour about my reason for baptizing him, I took the cheats way out and said it was so we could get him into the school we wanted.... That was I lie, I don't know why but I find it hard to admit that I have faith or that I'm Catholic. Maybe it's because of all the current negative publicity around Catholicism or maybe it's something else.

What I know for sure is that I believe in God, I believe he was our creator. I believe there was a man called Jesus and that he did wonderful things, I believe that the stories of both these wonderful things & creation were passed down & imbellished from generation to generation but the constant lessons behind these stories run true. Be kind, have courage and remain faithful.

I do not believe that everything in the bible is fact. I do not believe going to church every Sunday will make anyone a better person. I do not believe that because you marry someone you must remain with them if you don't compliment and bring out the best in each other I believe the marriage was not built to last but is rather a bump on the journey of your life.

I want my children to be brought up with faith, I want them to experience the schooling that I did. I want them to understand the importance of Easter & Christmas in our faith and the underlying values taught in the bible. I want them to learn the respect required to attend Mass service and the freedom of singing even if you don't have the voice for it. I want them to have a teacher like I did that pointed out that the bible is just a really good story and we should take the lessons & teachings from that story & apply it to our life.

I have Baptised my children for more reasons than school & from now I'm going to have the guts to say it!

M x

Self Pressure

I don't know what it is with me or why I do this to myself but once again I have that heavy feeling on my chest that I'm not doing enough, I feel almost lost on a daily basis lacking any direction or focus.

I feel I'm not using my year "off" as well as I should be. I should have a system in place where each Wednesday I cook and wash the sheets and mop the floors but alas here I am floundering and time wasting! 

I just wish there was a easy way to get my head in the game and keep it there.

I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up... I should be using this time to work towards it but then again why not just stop! But maybe I do know what I want to be? Maybe I'm happy to be a mum but why do I feel such pressure that being "just" a mum isn't enough... What happened in society that being a SAHM wasn't desirable anymore... But neither is a full time working mum and then part time working mums are frowned upon too.... No matter what path is chosen there is always an argument for the opposite! 

I really just want to stop thinking and feeling this way so I can just enjoy this moment right now because it will be over before I know it! I want energy to accomplish all the tasks required in a day and I want to stop having unrealistic expectations on myself to accomplish thousands of tasks in a single day... Really not that much!! 

M x 

Good vs Bad

I was told today that I've always had a good kid verses someone else who's kid is a handful... I replied with yes my daughter is good but it's taken work for us to get to this place. They replied it's because she's a girl and she's always been good because she plays by herself & I once again replied yes because I've encouraged her to.

It's got me thinking is it really that simple? By me placing very limited boundaries on my kids around what they can and can not touch & leaving them to explore their home environment on their own with minimal supervision did it encourage & Foster independent play?  I don't want to sound like I hold the key to successful child rearing (especially when I've got one that isn't even a year old who could very quickly rain on my parade) because it's not that simple. I'd love to borrow a "naughty" kid for a month and see if my relaxed play environment would change the independent play? I then think about my friend with twins & wonder if one is more difficult or are they parenting differently.

Nature verses nurture... Food for thought

Good night 

M x 

From the outside looking in

If I were to play you the highlight reel from today it would look like I'm completely nailing it.

I've done a load of washing

Went to swimming lessons

Stopped by the store

Children have both rested

We've fed the ducks

Been for a walk

Had a swim in the lake

Played at the park

And I've got pulled pork cooking for dinner

Really I'm amazed at my own awesomeness when I read the highlight reel... It makes me think of this quote

M x

Ps I forgot I also had a shower!! 

Strong Women

With yesterday being international women's day, this quote sprung to mind, it got me thinking about all of the strong women in my life. There are countless names I could rattle off that have been an influence to me at some point or another.

From a career point of view there have been a number of strong women that have crossed my path and the lessons they have taught me will stick for years to come. Starting from way back in my early years with Margo at the Video Store, to Kim, Jodie and Karyn at Moylan's, Rosanna at PSI and Kristy, Kylie, Tina, Steph, Joy, Marlene, Sally and Mel through my Billabong years. Then there are the ladies from my journey in motherhood Aiko, Mel, Peta, Kylie, Kai, Amber, Briony, Kristy, Ange and Cathrine who have helped me navigate my way through the loops and turns that is the rollercoaster ride of parenting. There are long lasting friendships Ang, Lauren and Michelle who are always a constant and no matter how much time shall pass doesn't miss a beat when we catch up. There are the women that shaped my childhood, Jenelle, Pauline, Julie, Kim, Lorna, Amanda and Olive who helped me learn and grow into a grown up.

As I said so many strong influential women... I am truly blessed. I believe you are who you are based on your experiences and what you take from them, I believe the people in your life help shape you and I wouldn't be the person I am at all without the above mentioned women but in particular the following three women. Without them I would be nothing. I want to call them my top 3 influential women and in the spirit of international womens day I want to give them a nod of thanks for being just that.

My Mum

Obviously I wouldn't be here without her...  but she is more that just my life giver.   My mum has a strength that I don't even think she is aware of, a total inspiration.

 A a single mother of two in the 80's, when single mothers were not the norm. Raising two headstrong young girls on her own is just the start.  She worked full time, provided for my sister and I and gave us a happy and healthy childhood. She made sure that we were surrounded by love, had contact with our grandparents and had enough emotional support with an absent father. I couldn't imagine the strength it took to pack up and move home while pregnant in search of a better life, let alone stay in contact with your in laws but I am grateful that the strength was found.  My mother sold our home and built a new more manageable one, I can barely work out how to renovate the one we are living in and that is with a Husband.

She has travelled Australia and now the US of A, Crochets, bowls and now quilts like a woman of the deep south.  She will listen to me rave on for hours, even if she isn't really listening and provides sound practical advice.  There have been two moments in life that I have faced the fear of losing her, the first in one of the scariest days of my life she had a major car accident and was lucky to walk out with a broken arm (in 4 places), I remember walking into that room and the feeling of relief that washed over me to see that she was okay, she was sitting up in the hospital bed shining like an angel (due to the broken glass all over her blue jumper). The second was in 2011 after her first mammogram she was diagnosed with Breast cancer she had her breasts removed went through the treatment and is thankfully still here to tell the tale, Joselyn and her had a competition to see who could grow hair quicker and she won (Joselyn is still lacking in the hair department).

My mother has taught me so much.  

The first you can make fun memories on a shoestring budget, we had such a magical childhood, Sunday bike rides, picnics, holidays it was very rare that we did without.  

You need to make the best of what you have, if life throws you lemons make lemonade. We survived on what we had, we went out for dinner if mum didn't feel like cooking and we had holidays every year.

 To never judge a book by it's cover, mum has always taught me there are two sides to every story and to try have the patients to see both.

A strong woman can do anything but you need to be even stronger ask for help if you need it. 

Its amazing what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it, mum has made some amazing things me being the first (hehehe), quilts and blankets.

 A clean house doesn't make you happy.

And finally its okay to cry, she wears her emotions on her sleeve, even if she can't find the words to name them.  

My Sister

Kate is the first person in the world who has given me unconditional love and because of that she is one of the few people in the world that sees all of me.  My good, my bad and my just plain ugly.  We have fought over the strangest of things and bonded over even stranger.

She is one of the most generous, loving and kind people I know.  When we were kids our Nan broke her leg, Kate was given weeks off Daycare to help look after her because even as a toddler she had the gift of helping people. She is one of those beautiful generous souls that would give you her last dollar if you needed it. I call her the collector of wounded ducks, she finds people that have issues and becomes their friend and helps them through their toughest time and sends them on their way healed and ready to face the world again.  Its a quality I admire and wish I had the strength or compassion for.

Kate is also one of the most head strong people I know, she knows what she knows and won't budge without proof that she is wrong, another quality that both frustrates and fascinates me. She will tell you exactly what she thinks of something without fear, and if you disagree she doesn't care, she doesn't really care what others think and I wish I could apply the same attitude at times.

She gets obsessed about food and will eat the same thing everyday for a month and then not eat it again for 6 years. She is loyal, if you are her friend she's got your back and she will stand up for you until she is blue in the face.  She has a short fuse, one I'm sure comes from the Murrell side but underneath that tough exterior she will burst into tears at the smallest of things another quality that I am amazed by.

Kate is so Smart she is the first Murrell to ever graduate from University, she doesn't give herself enough credit for this and this amazing accomplishment and really lacks in confidence in her work but she is slowly learning to make her point heard. 

Kate has taught me that its okay to stand out from the crowd and have a different opinion, her love is unconditional regardless of your beliefs, she has taught me that there are nice people in the world, and that teachers have a compassion for children that knows no bounds and most importantly she has taught me how to be myself without fear.

My Nanny June

5 Children... really thats all that you need to say to a mother and I'm sure they look at her as the all powerful and wise one.  My Nan is the most loving and kind lady and I'm so glad that I get to call her my Nan.  She has this warmth and love beaming from her, she has a calmness and a strength that I like to be around but she also has this nagging quality that drives you crazy, until you crack it and feel bad because you know it only comes from a place of love.

Nan grew up in a time where life was simple, not that it can't be simple now but she has seen the world through so many modern developments.  When she was a girl there wasn't electricity at her farm, she saw the beginning of television, she still calls a radio a wireless and would sit me on the bench to show her how to press the buttons on the microwave. Now she is on Facebook!  She embraces change and technology like no other and I only hope that when I'm in my 70's I can keep up just like her. 

Listening to Nan and Pop tell stories about how they would go to the dances together and the early days of their marriage, how they survived on Pop's small income are some of the best memories and some really inspirational stories.

Nan has taught me to enjoy my Husband and the time we had before our kids came along, she has taught me that the baby comes to live with us not the other way around so not to change too much.  To make sure I make time for my Husband and not leave him out of the bond that comes from being a mum. She has taught me that a women's work in the house is always going to be more than a man's because we are just more capable and I should just learn to accept it.  She has taught me never to complain about my husband only speak of the good and you will only see good. Nan has taught me that you can only do your best and nobody can ask anymore from you. Most importantly she has taught me how much fun you can have with so little and love is really all you need as a family.

Thanks Ladies!  Happy International Womens Day!

M xo

My pursuit of Happiness, Valentine's Day & A taste of Sleep.

So the title explains it all but I can spell it out! 

I've started reading the happiness project & lets just start by saying I'm loving it! I love how she has done all the research for me to come up with a detailed plan to be happier and it's broken down by monthly focus points... I'm just feeling overwhelmed, I know that this is not at all the intention of the book far from it but I've finished reading February & i am continually thinking should I be taking notes... How can I make all of this happen in my life I'm relating so much to the book and it sums up the journey I'd like to take this year in my attempt to uncover my own happiness, but I am constantly trying to remind myself, it's okay you haven't finished the book yet, you can make your own project once you finish & then on the flip side. Stop nagging him, give him space. It's a true battle.

Part two of the title refers to the fact that it's Valentine's Day today... No this isn't a post about how I don't feel loved, we've had a lovely morning my husband got Joselyn & I flowers & chocolate biscuits but my mind keeps falling back into memories... 

6 years ago tomorrow my beloved Poppy Barnett passed away, we spent the day prior to his death trying to get me there so I could say goodbye until finally we gave up and ended our day with a romantic dinner at Pizza Hut in Kirra. While eating dinner Poppy rang & I had my last phone conversation ever with him, I can't even remember what he said. I can't remember my last hug or kiss or what our last conversation was about... And I know none of that really matters, I remember the feeling I got when he hugged me, how he used to shake my arm so it wobbled, pull me in close & kiss the side of my head, I remember the ease I felt when I was with him, how there was no need for small talk, just comfortable silence. I remember steak sandwiches, Jatz with cheese & gerkins and curried salmon. I remember driving lessons, scraped knees & shaving cream. The loss I felt when this man left the earth there are no words for but I would never wish him back in the pain he was in. He has missed so much in 6 years, so much I want to share with him, ask him about & show him. I want to tell him he was right I am a good mum, Adam is a good guy & it does all work out in the end. I want to show him the beauty of my kids, our home & how it's filled with love and that we are all doing okay without him.

The final part of my title feels insignificant especially after that teary heartfelt moment but I think it is all encompassing & explains my somber mood today... Henry hasn't been sleeping very well for at least two weeks now... Last night he gave me a taste of sleep & I should awaken feeling re-energized & refreshed but instead I feel exhausted (I keep referring back to the happiness project "act the way you want to feel & fake it till you make it" but then I remember the all important first point "get more sleep")... I'm emotional, grumpy & worst of all lost in my mind... I keep racing between all the things I should be doing, should've done & what I'm doing wrong! 

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day! This is the reason I have this blog to get it out, type it, say goodbye to it & reflect on it later! Thanks for the ear!

M x

33

I had a birthday on the weekend. Another year older and wiser... so they say.

I can say for the first time I feel I am getting a bit wiser...  I feel that I am really getting somewhere this year, while I'm not perfect I'm starting to explore my interests and uncover what makes me happy and refreshed verses exhausts me.

I'm embracing the fact that I'm an over thinker and finding new ways to put that to action.

I'm working on having more quality time with my kids while they are young as to enjoy "the best years of my life" rather than looking back and not feeling I didn't enjoyed them or spent them behind an iPhone screen.

I'm trying to conquer fears do new things and go places but also have the balance of enjoying time at home, the beach or the park.. I've been reflecting a lot on my childhood and what memories I have.

I've stopped striving for perfection and have taken a good enough approach.

I've stopped filling my day with visits and chores but only aiming to do one thing a day.

I'm trying Yoga, meditation, photography and blogging - all things I am interested in but too scared to embrace for fear of not being "good enough".

I've got a feeling that 33 is going to be a great year and I can't wait for the adventures ahead!

M x

Turn up the Music

This morning on my way to Pilates I turned on a playlist on my iPhone and turned the music up really loud. I forget what a positive effect music has on me, I need to remind myself to turn up the music and sing and dance more often!

Thanks FIVE for keep movin' this morning it really lifted my spirits!

M x

The Big Bad Wolf

I know that kids need boundaries and the boundaries need to be enforced but the last few weeks I just feel like I'm the big bad wolf or the enforcer, or fun police or whatever label you choose to put on it and I'm just left feeling even more cranky!

I don't want to be a mum that doesn't have fun and that's known as being cranky all the time. I want to be a fun mum!!

My biggest fear of being the "big bad wolf" is that Joselyn will be too scared to talk to me about things and I want her to have the confidence to tell me ANYTHING!! I don't want her to be scared of me but I do want her to do what she's told, when she's told when I use my I mean it voice.  

Last night she refused to kiss me goodnight & I went to bed feeling heartbroken, tonight she went to bed upset & when I tried to talk to her she refused to speak. 

I try to remind myself that she's only 3 and to not be so hard on her but then I worry that we aren't hard enough!! 

I'm so nervous to hit those teenage years, at least I have a few years of practice!

M x

 

First Week Blues

I got the blues... The post Christmas first week back blues! 

I feel overwhelmed with everything I want to accomplish, I'm tired because of lack of sleep and have headaches from dehydration!

I want to push through the other side of these feelings of resentment and frustration and get to the happy place where I enjoy being a domestic goddess! I want to play with the kids, have dinner on the table & tidy.. It just doesn't seem possible! 

My sister gave me 20 inspirational quotes to pull one a day from, today was the first one I drew & it was perfectly matched to my mood...

I've got to stop aiming for perfection & instead just be... Stop going around in circles, procrastinating & just start somewhere! 

Today I started with making the bed! 

M x 

My Husband

I have so much gratitude for this man, he works so hard to make sure we are safe & provided for, he helps me around the house & is an awesome fun loving Daddy to our two children.

Sometimes I have so much love for him I feel as if I could burst & then other days get so frustrated with him for the smallest of things... Which I guess is just human nature we all have our up and down moments and I wish I could just be the bursting with love girl for him all the time!

Today I'm totally bursting! 

M x

Motherhood

How do you know that you are doing a good job? How do you know what's right? Do you have to wait until your kids are all grown up before you can "know" you did it right"? And how is success measured? Does a kid that grows up to not be a drug addict or prostitute a pass and one that does a fail? 

I find my current "role" as a stay at home mum brings all of these things into question. Especially when I'm visited by or visiting friends or family with kids of the same or similar age - you just can't help but compare and think am I doing it wrong?

I look at my little miss 3 year old through my rose coloured glasses & I think she's practically perfect but take her out of her home environment & comparing to others I start to notice little issues in socialization, temper and skills. Talk of school comes up often and questions fly, what more can I do, how can I prepare her, am I doing enough, should I do more?

The job of a mummy isn't an easy one, you question yourself every step of the way and there's no kpis, no performance reviews, no courses. Just you and your partner in crime (Daddy) making decisions to try & mold a tiny human into something you can be proud of...

But at the end of the day I'm pretty sure I'll be proud no matter what... 

M x

This photo makes my heart break, and has me asking myself questions about acceptance, my poor baby being left out of the pack... But she doesn't seem to care, so why do I?

These two are only 4 months apart but as a first born & 3rd born the difference is astounding in development 

Holding my baby while he sleeps. They are only little for such a short time, is it really spoiling them?

2016 Ready...

Coming at ya through the new lens! So excited about my early Birthday present. Thank you Husband!!