Sunday, 14 February 2016

My pursuit of Happiness, Valentine's Day & A taste of Sleep.

So the title explains it all but I can spell it out! 

I've started reading the happiness project & lets just start by saying I'm loving it! I love how she has done all the research for me to come up with a detailed plan to be happier and it's broken down by monthly focus points... I'm just feeling overwhelmed, I know that this is not at all the intention of the book far from it but I've finished reading February & i am continually thinking should I be taking notes... How can I make all of this happen in my life I'm relating so much to the book and it sums up the journey I'd like to take this year in my attempt to uncover my own happiness, but I am constantly trying to remind myself, it's okay you haven't finished the book yet, you can make your own project once you finish & then on the flip side. Stop nagging him, give him space. It's a true battle.

Part two of the title refers to the fact that it's Valentine's Day today... No this isn't a post about how I don't feel loved, we've had a lovely morning my husband got Joselyn & I flowers & chocolate biscuits but my mind keeps falling back into memories... 

6 years ago tomorrow my beloved Poppy Barnett passed away, we spent the day prior to his death trying to get me there so I could say goodbye until finally we gave up and ended our day with a romantic dinner at Pizza Hut in Kirra. While eating dinner Poppy rang & I had my last phone conversation ever with him, I can't even remember what he said. I can't remember my last hug or kiss or what our last conversation was about... And I know none of that really matters, I remember the feeling I got when he hugged me, how he used to shake my arm so it wobbled, pull me in close & kiss the side of my head, I remember the ease I felt when I was with him, how there was no need for small talk, just comfortable silence. I remember steak sandwiches, Jatz with cheese & gerkins and curried salmon. I remember driving lessons, scraped knees & shaving cream. The loss I felt when this man left the earth there are no words for but I would never wish him back in the pain he was in. He has missed so much in 6 years, so much I want to share with him, ask him about & show him. I want to tell him he was right I am a good mum, Adam is a good guy & it does all work out in the end. I want to show him the beauty of my kids, our home & how it's filled with love and that we are all doing okay without him.

The final part of my title feels insignificant especially after that teary heartfelt moment but I think it is all encompassing & explains my somber mood today... Henry hasn't been sleeping very well for at least two weeks now... Last night he gave me a taste of sleep & I should awaken feeling re-energized & refreshed but instead I feel exhausted (I keep referring back to the happiness project "act the way you want to feel & fake it till you make it" but then I remember the all important first point "get more sleep")... I'm emotional, grumpy & worst of all lost in my mind... I keep racing between all the things I should be doing, should've done & what I'm doing wrong! 

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day! This is the reason I have this blog to get it out, type it, say goodbye to it & reflect on it later! Thanks for the ear!

M x

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